Sometimes all you can do is just cry.
I had a great Sunday, much different from our Saturday-which involved a visit to the emergency room to see if we can figure out abdominal pain my son was experiencing. We didn't find out what was bothering him, and it is still bothering him! :( We didn't want to spend our Sunday indoors so we went with the family to go apple picking, enjoyed the whole day outdoors lounging around with fresh air away from the city. My son seemed to be doing much better, perhaps distracted from whatever uncomfortable feelings he was experiencing while playing around with his cousin. He was the first to grab apples off a tree put it in our tote bag, and drag it around saying he wanted to carry it. himself. When he is happy, I feel complete, and he was happy! :)
We had a long day- a good day, but once we were home again, he couldn't finish his dinner saying he felt weird. My son always finishes his dinner and it was clear he wanted to eat, but something was bothering him. Besides him telling us he doesn't feel right, all seems fine... My son usually doesn't cry, he is very well spoken and expresses himself well, but this feeling makes him cry. You know what it is to hear your baby say "I want this pain to go away, I don't know what to do"? I want to take it away, but I don't even know what it is that's bothering him. Then to top it off today, he told me he wishes he didn't have allergies. He is getting older, the world is getting tougher for him. For a boy that just turned four a little while ago, he worries for his life and safety already- I'm glad he is aware of it but that takes away from him being a careless kid. It makes me sad. Like every parent out there, I want to give my son the world, and I want him to be happy & healthy.
So..I broke down today, I cried and cried. I want to take away whatever it is that's bothering him, and I want to take away all his allergies too. Give it to me if you can, I want him free from it all. I want him to feel safe in the world we live in. I want him to be healthy, and I don't want him to suffer. Thinking of the life he has ahead of him makes me so sad and helpless. I do all that I can, but yet it's not enough. So just for tonight I'm not going to say to myself "all will be okay" and "we've got it all under control" because it's all very scary, stressful, and really unfair... I want to stomp my feet up and down, throw a tantrum and scream "WHYY!?!?" and for tonight I am weak, I am without strength to even tell myself all will be okay. With my son asleep in my arms, my daughter in my belly kicking away, I pray health and happiness to them..that's all I could do.
So again, I'm left with all I could do is cry, just for now..just for tonight.