Monday, June 4, 2012

Overcoming My Molar Pregnancy + Some Good News

In February of 2011 I had a due date for my second baby, but that was the pregnancy that failed.  In September, at 16 weeks pregnant, we still couldn't hear the heartbeat so went for another visit.  Only once again my midwife couldn't hear a heartbeat.  We went to another room, for a quick bedside sonogram.  Not thinking anything too bad about it, my husband with my 2 year old at the time in his arms brought out his camera phone to capture us seeing the baby for the first time.  The last thing we even knew to expect was a clear white screen, instead of a baby.  Right away the midwife ran out of the room to get another opinion, and in the same ten minutes we had been told it is a complete molar pregnancy, and scheduled a (D & C) the following week.  In complete shock all I could do was cry.
sample image of "typical" c.molar pregnancy
I went all throughout my first trimester going to every appointment, feeling more pregnant than ever (because of heightened HCG levels), even growing a tiny bump to hear that there was no baby, basically just abnormal tissue growth.  Along with that wonderful news came the risk of cancer associated with molar pregnancies.  I had just told my family that we were expecting, my little guy came to every appointment with me, as everyone asked him how he felt about being a big brother and so on.  I started to plan for another child, and wasn't expecting anything to go wrong.  Then, just like that in a few minutes the ground shook right under us.  The emotions I felt, I still can't fully explain.  It was upsetting, and even though I learned the facts about it, I kept blaming myself.  The rates are 1 in 1000, why why why...  It was a week before the procedure, and I cried my way into it as they rolled me on the bed to the surgery.  I have very low tolerance to medications, it could be a cold medicine but it will make me feel horrible all over.  Well, for the d & c, I was put to sleep and sent home not too long after the procedure.  I felt horribly weak, and my body felt in trembles all day and night after.  So many women go through this procedure, many that I have spoken to and all recover right away- physically.  It took me forever, and my husband and I said we probably won't try for another child again we were so terrified.
My baby about two weeks ago! 
Emotionally I'm still recovering.  I went forever looking at every baby, and every baby bump wishing I could be pregnant, or have that baby that never...  Shortly after, every baby item I had kept, I gave it away.  Little toys, clothes I had kept from my son for the younger sibling, I gave away as well.
It is now that I can share my story, because I am healing.  We really wanted a sibling for our little boy, closer in age, and now we are expecting.  Now slowly healing because I'm 15 weeks pregnant WITH a baby, I made sure with three sonograms already.  In another few weeks we get to find out the sex of the baby.  I'll never be the same as it took me until a week ago to accept that I was pregnant.  I was scared to love the baby because I kept thinking the worst.  I appreciate and love more, but I also fear more and will never think "not me," because it could be.

Sorry I have been MIA for a while now, been going through so much, mostly emotionally, well I guess physically too ;).  But now I feel better sharing the news with you as I try to put the past behind me.        
 

10 comments:

  1. That's wonderful news!  So happy for the three of you. 

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  2. Wow what a struggle of emotions you guys have been on. My husband and I have lost our first child to a miscarriage and we haven't tried since as that was 3 years ago. My sister had 2 still borns, so pregnacy is very scary to me.  It is hard losing a baby, and I am sorry for all you guys went through. I am praying that this pregnancy goes well for you guys, and you can have a healthy happy baby soon! 

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  3. My very first pregnancy was an ectopic pregnancy. It was 6 years before we tried again, and that one was scary with its own complications at 28 weeks (pre-term labor and bed rest). I now have a 6 year old. A couple years after he was born we thought it was time again and got pregnant, but miscarried. 6 weeks later, pregnant again, against doctors advice to wait to have a full cycle/period first. Again, bed rest at 28 weeks. That boy is now 4 years old. About a year and a half ago I started wanting a baby again. pregnant and on bed rest (again!) at 28 weeks! And our daughter is now 10 months old.  It was tough getting back up on that horse each time, but I wouldn't change it because I wouldn't have the children I do now. Especially the 4 year old. I wouldn't have him if I hadn't lost his sibling 6 weeks before I got pregnant with him.

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  4. Congratulations! Hoping for the best for you and your family

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  5. I'm so sorry!! I'm 15 weeks pregnant too right now, just passed my due date for my last miscarriage... (I had a similar experience as you, a condition called blighted ovum. I found out at 12 weeks that the sac was empty and there was no actual baby inside.) I've been afraid to bond with the baby too, but now that we're into the second trimester, it's getting better! I hope it is for you too!!

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  6. congrats on the new blessing!! miracles happen to bring happiness to life :)

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  7. Wow that's so scary to think of all that could go wrong. :(
    Hope you guys find the strength to try again, and have a healthy baby some day soon...  Thanks so much for sharing, as well as well wishes.   

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  8. It was so scary to try again, and I was in full denial until now-afraid to accept.  Opening up here and with everyone is really helping.  I realize I'm not alone, and to hear stories like yours.  Our children are such blessings, thank you so much for sharing yours about your little joys.   

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  9. It is getting better, hope we can both share our birth stories in a few months instead of "loss" stories.  ((hugs)) and congrats!  :) 

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  10. So sorry to hear about you loss but glad you found a new little bit of happiness

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